A Hairy Mess

Posted: Aug 19 2014

There are a lot of looks and styles in fashion that are merely trends. They have their day in the spotlight, but soon drift out of it. Then, seemingly unprompted, roughly 3-5 years later, they're back again. It's both a so very unpredictable yet so very predictable cycle.

 

But there are those select things that are timeless. Wool topcoats, a classic white men's dress shirt, and so on will last you for a lifetime because they are always in style. And beards (the facial hair ones...) kind of fall into that category. Or perhaps they most certainly aren't timeless. What do I mean and how is this so?

 

Well, while I'll concede that facial hair is in fact more prominent at some points in time than others, fundamentally, it is either always in style or never in style. The reason being that one either likes it or doesn't. Hair is hair and that's pretty much that.

 

But even though one can fall into one camp or the other, even the most staunch advocates of facial hair can detest certain types and styles. And the Wolf vs Goat team falls into this category of facial hair supporters, but we do have some exceptions. 

 

And today we decided to explore some of the not so awesome types of facial hair starting with our least favorite: the chin strap.

 

The Chin Strap

What is a chinstrap? Look above (but don't look directly at it because it might blind you with its ugliness). Also, don't confuse it with the chin curtain beard, which covers the entire chin and which President Lincoln rocked with the utmost class and dignity. (see below for Pres. Lincoln's chin curtain)

But back to the chinstrap beard. It's flat out ugly and what would possess an individual to sport one is beyond us. Frankly, it's pretty much the mullet of the beard family and rivaled only by the handlebar in terms of bizarreness.

 

Though the chinstrap beard was popular in the late 18th century - middle 19th century in Europe, and then in Japan and Russia, the chinstrap has no place in modern day society, except of course for purposes of cheering us up when we are feeling down on ourselves. We can always point to the guy with a chin strap and say, “well, at least I don't look like that guy.”

 

So, though the chinstrap beard was once popular with luminaries and respectable folks like Henry David Thoreau, if you have one, we suggest reading our blog posts on shaving and getting rid of that bad boy. Once you do, in the words of the famous chinstrapper himself (Thoreau), “never look back.” 

 

The Handlebar 

Alright, so before we go into a full length explanation of our thoughts on the handlebar 'stache (because that's what people who sport handlebars call them), let's just be clear: we are not inherently anti-handlebar. In fact, Chief Justice William Henry Taft kind of pulled one off (picture below). But aside from him and the other, rare 1% of handlebar 'stachers, the handlebar mustache accomplishes only one thing: it guarantees that you will not be allowed within 100 feet of playgrounds and/or elementary schools. Honestly, that's about it.

 

So, if you are sporting a handlebar mustache, look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “am I a child predator?” If the answer is “no,” get rid of it. If the answer is “yes,” get help. And stay away from my family.

 

So, though we've identified some of the facial hair styles we don't like today, remember, that means that with the exception of a few others, we're pretty much in favor of everything else. And if you've got a chinstrap or handlebar and disagree with us, send us a picture and prove us wrong.

 

Actually, just leave us a comment. Some of us here had a big lunch.

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